Asuka Gets Bit on the Butt by a But

A Murghi/Zsus presentation. 

This week's guest judge is the ageless and long-winded Toni Basil, looking like a cross between Madeline and Morticia.

Ooo! Good call, Murghi.  "Oh Gomez, you're so fine! You're so fine you blow my mind.  Hey Gomez! Hey Hey Hey Gomez!"

In two straight lines.

There were the usual 2 second dance intros BUT they are all beginning to look alike to me, except for cutie Evan.

A little bit Charlie Chaplin, a little bit baby duck learns to fly! So cute!

Cat is wearing three watches.

And that's why THIS show never runs over, unlike that other 19E reality show that messes with people's TiVos and DVRs.

The theme of the week is what would the kids be doing with their lives if they weren't dancing? Working like the rest of us stiffs, eh Zsus?

Exactly, Murghs.  Although, they aren't quite as stiff as we are.  They're still young and limber.

I know, I've got a left hip that's always killing me.

First up: Karla and Jonathan. She: journalist. He: Circque de Soleil performer. Alright. No one is picking fast-food cashier. They are doing a Dave Scott hip-hop gangsta romance. The hats apparently denote gangsta, but Jonathan looks more like he's in the Marx Brothers gang - Why a duck? Why-a no chicken?

HAHA! So true.  He's gangsta-lite.  Gangstas don't smile like that.  It's my understanding that they will show you their grill in the club for your birthday if you get all up in it with the shnizzle and Bacardi. Or something like that.  

I didn't get the Capone vibe. I didn't get the Tony Soprano vibe. I didn't even get the Christufuh vibe. And Nigel, dammit I hate when you're right. How hard is it to nod two heads in sync?

While I'll admit Jonathan is adorable in his suspenders and silver shiny pants, I'm not so fangirly that I can't see that he is not "street."  In fact, he isn't even "cul-de-sac."

*sigh* It's called a "crotch grab", kiddos.  No need to play it safe.  You won't go blind or grow hair on your palms.

Nig bets they're in the bottom 3. Nice. Then he mocks B3ers who will beg "please keep me in for another week." He was all praise last week BUT I guess the party's over.

Nigel was in a bit of a mood.  And what's he wearing?  He looks like he just stopped in to catch up on a little paperwork on his day off.

No wonder he was in such a bad mood. A lot of bills to pay.

Toni discourses on hip hop and street and funk and groove. At length.

Even her straw is bored and distracted.

Asuka would become a jewelry maker for ballroom dancers. (Honey, dust off those needle-nose pliers.)

Not to be indelicate, but are those the bones of the Elephant Man?  Kind of creepy looking.

Vitolio would be a lead singer in a band. Yup.

And that band would be called, "Jimmy Hendrix Would Not Be Caught Dead In Those Sunglasses, Poser."

Mandy Moore gives them a thrash rocker jazz choreography BUT Asuka has a hard time catching on. Who's a sweet comforting angel? There goes that love-tendril twining around my heart, gosh darn it.

Oh, he just wants to get in her tights! Don't fall for it, Asuka!

Too late!

There was a lot of posing interspersed with lifts. Maybe I'm spending too much time down at the animal shelter, but Asuka reminds me of a fluffy kittycat and Vitolio, of a panther. Either way, they'd have beautiful kittens.

Springy, leapy kitties!

Sneaking hunter kitties.

Crazy kitties!

Kittens in pantz.

Nig loved the matcho. Remember this when 24 hours later he tells Vit that he's not strong enough.

Nigel, how matcho was it?

An awful lot of rawk-handing, emphasis on awful.

Tongues are important part of the genre too.

Who do they think they are? Adam Lambert?

Melissa would be a Pilates teacher. I hate her.

Pilates = torture on demand.  Why am I not surprised Melissa would aspire to this?

Ade wants to be a sound engineer. Unlikely at best.

They are doing a Tony Meredith rumba and Ade is wearing Jason Allen's samba pants. Ai caramba!

Ade's got a little junk in the trunk.  I can't understand why Melissa hasn't addressed this issue.

Oh.  Well, this explains it. 

Are we on the verge of a wardrobe malfunction here?

Zsus, you know how much I hate to admit it BUT Melissa was damn good. 

She is.  They're the couple to beat. 

BUT what a relief, moments later I can slip right back into bitter mode. 

Oh, thank you, Melissa, for reminding Murghi and me that we hate you and your perfect waist.

I'm getting mixed emotions from Melissa's ball and chain. "Yay, she's so hot. With some other guy...On TV...Yay..."

He's like, "Um.  She never does the splits like that with me!"

"Showing off her bod...Yaaaaaay..."

"Hi, Frat boys! I'm Melissa! Yep.  This is what I'd look like if I just stepped out of your shower draped in a towel.  Vote for me, and I'll give you a little somethin', somethin' every week!"

Janette would not be a dental technician. Instead she's pouring her heart and soul into becoming a loan processor. Brandon - lighting designer or something equally not-gonna-happen.

Janette: "Hmmm.  A loan processor or a famous dancer.  Loan processor?  Dancer? Let me just crunch some numbers here and .... Dancer it is!"

It's turning into quite a night for Rock And Roll. They are doing a Dave Scott rock n' roll meets hiphop  Fishnets vs. baggy pants. Rawk hands. Tongues. Sideways baseball caps. An ornate chair. I'm mildly fascinated by Janette's thigh flesh blobbing out between the holes in the fishnet. I don't know why, Zsus, BUT these two don't grab me.

I bet Melissa wants to give those fishnets a try just to show us what they'd look like without the flesh blobs.  I'm with you on Jandon, Murghi.  No chemistry.  And Janette's facial expressions? Annoying.

Mary still wins.

Okay now, Kayla wants to be a model. Too old already, hon. While Kupono would go for quirky costume designer. If they weren't dancing full time. "If."

Because, as we know, if these kids don't make it any farther on this program, they'll never dance again.

Oh it's the wonderful Jean Marc Genereux and France teaching the new couple a dreamy Viennese Waltz.

Kayla's response to Jean Marc is similar to mine.  "Oh, please!"

Don't tell me you don't adore the Jean Marc??? Sacre bleu!! Oy vey!!!

It's all floaty and lovely!

Very very pretty, no ifs ands or buts. Hence Mary's dreamy reaction.

Nigel's having a difficult time maintaining his matcho.

But not Jean Marc!

Toni will not dignify Mary's woot-wooting with a response. But she does tell Kayla: "Miss, you are sump'n* else. You do not let your technique get in the way of your reality on stage." Yup.

The straw approves.

Evan would be a custom car shop owner. Randi's going into special ed.

OK.  Let's go out and pick their china pattern, Murgh.  Love these kids!

It must be a Mia dance coming up - Randi's got the mussy Mia-do.

Ooo! Good catch, Murgh! Mia it is!

It's all about Butt. Last week they were shaking their tail feathers. This week, Randi is shaking her tail feather and Evan is ogling. Cute as BUTTons!

Cheeky!

LOVED IT! They're both terrific. Mia's judging style turns my nerves into horseradish, BUT I must admit that there was some badass choreography.

Fanny-tabulous!  Annnnd, I need a cigarette.

Oh could Toni look less impressed by Nigel's blather? Or Nigel and Mary's scripted, "But. And there is a butt. Randi's butt." By the way, since this is a show in which women are flashing their hoo-hahs left, right and center, what's the big deal about a dance about Randi's butt? *coughCaitlincrotchcough*

Good point!  Toni's all, "You are so not street, Nigel."

Nigel's all "Fuggetabowt it!"

Well, Miss, you are capable of silly gestures too. Yup.

"Here's an apple, Snow White.  Eat up!" (The straw is entranced.)

Caitlin would be a broadcast journalist, BUT I think there's more to it than just saying "Over to you, Herman" and smiling sweetly.

Jason wants to be a soccer player when he grows up. Too old already, hon.

The only thing Caitlin seems to want to broadcast is her crotch.

Jean Marc and France cooked up a Paso Doble gladiator-style for them. BUT first Jean Marc has to be a little outrageous. Je t'aime, Jean Marc.

Jean Marc gives instructions in foreplay.  "First we yank ze girlz skirt to her ankles!"

"Zen, we strangel her to the unconsciousness. No?"

"Zen, ze sweet, passionate lovvvvveee...."

Ah, but ze France she loves it.

Editorial comment: This dance looks far better in the screencaps than it actually did live.  It was fairly well in execution. 

Meh. Thumbs neither up nor down. BUT I think Mary liked it. 

"Spare them! The man went shirtless for me!"

Jeanine would be an actress. You and 10 million other hopefuls, hon. Phillip, an inventor. That actually might happen.

Tyce Diorio's got a Broadway Singin in the Rain number for them to "Moses Supposes" that involves a couch, feather pillows, and a pair of split pants. Maybe the last part wasn't intentional.

Love, love, love "Singing In The Rain."  "Moses Supposes" is the worst song from that musical. *sigh*

Jeanine cannot watch as Phillip leaps over the couch, putting his crotch in imminent danger.

]

He made it in one piece!

I loved them. So much energy. I thought Phillip did great. And I'm not being biased. He moved his feet, people! That's huge!

They're adorable! Kind of Garland-Rooney-ish.

Fly, Phillip, Fly!

The cuteness is almost unbearable.

Hmm.  A little cozy there, Jeanine?  Maybe we better start shopping for their china pattern, Murghi.

Words fail. Well, maybe they told Phillip he had to do a split. Ha ha ha.

And yet, we got a lot of BUTs from the butt-head judges.

Tighty-whities! How cute is that?

Dance us out as I get my dialing fingers going.

Oh hi, Melissa! It's nice you made it into one shot.

Hey! It's Melissa, again!

Yes, Melissa.  We know you're there. 

Brandon's trying to high-five Phillip, but he's not having it.

Results

Was the group number taking place at the Badabing Club?

True confession: I missed results night because of Michael Jackson's untimely death combined with mega-thunderstorms.  All I have to say is what in the holy sex club is going on here?????!!!!

Excuse me???

Sorry for interrupting....

All righty, then....

ChaBEEB! Get your hands off that, that, that...hussy!

Melissa's all, "Wanna date?"

And don't try to look so holy, Mr. Napolean.

TabNappy were responsible for that pornfest??? Oh, Nappy.  You naughty, naughty boy! *call me*

Nig gave a Michael Jackson eulogy. Let me go on record as saying that it was too long and Nigel likes the sound of his own voice. And he wants a damn good eulogy when his time comes.

I'm glad I missed it. 

Oh hi, Miss. So that's what was hiding under the beret.

The culling of the bottom dwellers. First down: Vitolio and Asuka. My tendril is withering.

Where's Vitolio's comforting stance, now? 

You guys are safe. And still rocking the hand.

Poser.

The Buttons are safe. 

Oh, I'm picking out my dress for the wedding!! Wait.  What's that on her left hand?  Murghi?? Hold me.

Yeah, dolly, she's already married. Oy vey!

Chbeeby? Jeanine? Will my heart be breaking this week?

Chbeebs, your face is gonna freeze that way.  Just look at Nigel's.

No! All is well! All is well! No buts.

Whoohoo! Tighty whities trump shirtless!

Phillip!? Your girl is waiting for a hug. Don't tell me you're not the huggy type. I will switch loyalties to that guy on the right.

"Let's hug!!! Bueller? Anyone??"

Oh dance of joy. Melissa is safe. (BUT love ya, Ade.)

And Mr. Melissa is still okay with all that hot partnering? Melade? Mel laid? Melade? A Mel a day keeps the doctor away?

Ooo. Instead of Haterade, I'm drinking Melade this season.

High five!

Oh look, she's walking off stage en pointe. Bah!

Yep.  I just downed another glass of Melade.

Jon and Karla are an unsurprising B3.

It's Karla's fault!!!

Yes dear, if that makes you feel better...

Kayla looks like she's going to heave. Well, that will help you with the modeling career.

*snicker*

But no, they are safe and Caitlin wears the fakest smile in the history of fake smiling.

Looks like Caitlin's been drinking some sour Melade.

Okay, okay. It wasn't that wonderful. 

Ooo. I was wrong.  She's drinking Kaylade.

Okay, okay, it isn't that terrible. 

These little widgins are the Rage Street Crew. 

Adorable! 

Cat, what the hell is wrong with you? 

What the heck? Is she giving someone mouth-to-mouth? *confused*

She's bowing at his feet! Now he is her guru and has to guide her to liberation. Oy vey!

Let's dance for our lives!
Or mess up our hair for our lives.

Or cover your face in shame?

Leap for our lives.

Squat for our lives.

Yeah, that's not real attractive.  Wait.  RADIOHEAD gave the rights to one of their songs to SYTYCD?  Bwahahahaha! Knuckleheads.

Do this move yet again for our lives.

Do an actual interesting move for our lives.

*sigh* Love.

Clutch pearls for our lives.

Or say three Hail Mary's and an Our Father for our lives. (Catholic joke, Murghs.)

Gotcha. Oy vey Maria.

And...she sticks the landing. Yes, I'm getting tired of gymnastics.

And another leap for life.

No wardrobe malfunction, thank heavens.

Should we put that in ironic quotation marks?

While the judges deliberate, the Veronicas sing a tender ballad, "Take me on the floor."  Archie and Jughead better wear condoms.

HAHAHA!! I did not hear the song, but just based on the screencap, I think I'd have to spray myself with disinfectant after listening. 

They still have to look at the pictures of the dancers to tell them apart? Or are they working on their take-out order? Hmmm, Chinese or Latin?

Does Toni's hair require its own seat on airplanes?

Caitlin is safe. Now she's clutching her pearls in deepest gratitude. Over to you, Cat.

Karla, according to Nigel, you were desperate, falling off your pirouettes and never found your center. "We don't believe it was a good solo for you this evening." That doesn't sound promising.

That' right! It's her fault she and my Johnny are bottom three! Get her outta here!

Asuka you are such an exciting performer, very beautiful.

BUT you are not growing. You are leaving.

Wha...?? But Karla....????

All three guys got the same bad reviews and wore the same expression.

BUT Jason and Vit are safe and Jonathan can pack his bags and run away to the circus.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  Oh. Look how cute his biceps are!

Then again Vit's are nothing to sneeze at. Great guns!

I totally agree, Cat! The wrong guy went home. 

The End.

DM: Toffee bars?