So here we are already, Murghs, at the Top 3. Seems like only yesterday we were bitching about them tossing off Alexis Grace before her time…and then there was Anoop, he was so cute…and man, remember what they did to the first Darren? Just brought in another one and acted like he’d never even existed!

Oh Shnuggy, Shnuggy, Shnuggy, it’s official…you crack me up. There, now the world knows. Our world of 6 devoted readers.

Anyway, this year’s Top 3 must hereinafter be known as The Unholy Trilogy because of You Know Who. We used to call the judges that, but there’s four of them now and the Horsemen thing has been done already, so we’ll have think of some new term to insult them with. 

The Four Jerks Who Didn't Put Ju'not Joyner in a Wildcard Spot and to Make Matters Worse, Never Gave Allison Her Due?

The boys have to sing one song selected by the judges—how they divvied that up, who knows, but certainly Kara will have been dissed—and a second song they choose themselves. We are cheated out of a third song again, because the producers can’t figure out how to fit three songs into one hour with only one more judge making comments. Why on earth did they not try a practice run before they hired that blabby beeyotch?

Ryan informs us that it’s the 300^th episode of the show. Backstage, the producers are having fun dividing that number by how many bazillons of dollars they’ve raked in. The figure does not fit on the calculator’s screen.

I still don’t know who Terence Trent D’Arby is.

Wearing a wallet chain in an obvious attempt to siphon off some Daughtry mojo, Gokey doot-doot-doots along with a tubby sax player and is about as exciting as one of those automated phone calls warning you that your car warranty is about to expire.

Actually Mr. Murghi gets pretty excited about those calls, what with the hair-pulling, the deleting of expletives and the throwing of the phone against the wall. Good thing that warranty hasn’t expired yet. Oh and Danny? Boring. And Danny said he fully anticipates being in the Final Two. In just so many words. Foreshadowing BoMo schadenfreude.

Simon clamps a hand over Paula’s mouth to shut her up. Finally, someone has discovered the answer to The Kara Problem, but far too late in the competition and applied to the wrong witless broad.

Now Kris, sandwiched in the middle like a mouthwateringly savory filling between a piece of gluten-free bread spritzed with I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter and a succulent, freshly baked hunk of rustic foccacia.

Mmmm….foccacia.

Back home in Arkansas, he got the message from Randy and Kara (aha! Both of them got dissed!) to do “Apologize” by One Republic.

They are collectively boring. Kara says it has a “dark, beautiful melodic line, open for interpretation.”  She read the liner notes off the CD cover.

Kris does the song at the piano. Who can’t love a guy who plays a lot of instruments, because, come on, you know you’re thinking he has control of those fine finger motions. However, he has to lose the odd facial expressions because he looks like J. Fred Muggs trying to upstage Dave Garroway. 

He had his pretty eyes closed the whole time. I kept waiting for him to grab the mike and march stage center. Needed to connect with the audience. Worried me.

Kara complains that the performance wasn’t original enough and that the piano disconnected him from the audience.

Oh geez, sweetie, don’t tell me that Kara and I are thinking alike now?

Memo to Ray Charles, Billy Joel, Stevie Wonder, Michael Feinstein, Bobby Short, Beethoven, other assorted music legends: Kara DioGuardi recommends you ditch the Steinway.

Honey child, lovely as Kris may be, he ain’t no Ray, Billy, Stevie, or Ludwig.

Paula yammers about “one bum note,” to which I say, lady, you made several bad records and let us not even mention how you dress on a daily basis.

“Bum note”??? What the focaccia? Oh for screamin’ out the Danny bucket! Surely Kris should have gotten an A++ for effort? P.S. I still haven’t heard the bum note, even after numerous listens.

Simon criticizes Kara for picking on the arrangement and she gets all shrill and defensive at him. I think either family therapy or a new reality show just for the four of them: “Pitchy, Bitchy, Twitchy and the Rich Brit.”  

Then Kara uses the secret weapon. It's all wrong, I tell ya.

Adam is in San Diego, coincidentally standing right in front of an AT&T store, when he gets the message that he’ll be doing “One” by U2. Simon says Bono called him personally to give him clearance, and to allow him the opportunity to namedrop on a more impressive scale than Randy usually does.

Did Simon have to get personal permission for Elliott to sing - I mean accompany Mary J on - “One”? Pffft. And yet, if it makes Adam look more important and wonderful than he already is, then foccacia, yeah!

Adam’s version is stripped down, emotionally naked, and lovely.

You just wanted to say "Adam" ,"stripped down"  and "naked" in the same sentence.

I enjoyed his plain, unadorned voice at the start.

And he looks cute with Spock ears.

Momdam is tearing up and Dadam looks so proud.

Feast your eyes, Shnuggy honey.

Simon calls it a brilliant song choice, a brilliant performance and he will be in the final. Adam praises the lyrics as beautiful, and doesn’t make the moment all about himself, like some people who shall remain nameless and who are named Gokey.

Next, an Idol Gives Back update. Exxon Mobil sent Carrie Underwood to Angola, where she brought anti-malaria mosquito nets and her makeup person. Presumably, Exxon also paid for the gas to run the honking big SVU she was carted around in to visit all the grateful poors.

Ten zillions dollars and all they are giving away is a few mosquito curtains? Something does not compute.

Gokey’s own song choice is “You Are So Beautiful.” He worked with his “mentors” on this, he tells us. Mentors? There are people who want to help him force us to endure him singing about a woman turning him from a boy into a man?   

Ew.

Kris next. He’s doing Kanye West’s “Heartless.” Is that an ode to George W. Bush? With his guitar, which ought to please Kara, he’s charming, vibrant, smooth, effortless. Randy likes it better than the original. I don’t even know there is an original.

You forgot Droopy Drawers Kanye West singing these immortal lines?

“How could you be so,
Cold as the winter wind when it breeze yo
Just remember that you talking to me yo
You need to watch the way you talking to me you know”

Two “yo” rhymes in a row is cheating as far as I’m concerned.

Katy stood by her man. Soon legions of Kris Allen fans will acknowledge his talent by sticking out their tongues.

Kris and family anxiously await the Cowell verdict.

And Simon redeems him. Maybe there’s hope, but probably not. Damn, I thought America was vacuous and voted looks over sob story.  If only Kris had had a dog who’d been run over just before the competition, that would trump a dead wife.

And Mrs. Katy is live and well and possibly bearing a baby bump. Which naturally leads to the next question - are conjugal AI visits allowed?

Show is running long—hurry, get Adam on before everyone’s DVRs cut off! He’ll be getting in a subtle jab at Gokey with Aerosmith’s “Cryin’.” This boy is a Rawk Gawd, as my aunt from Massachusetts would say, if she were ever to use that phrase.

Adam must be a Kris fan, too.

And he’s so modest, as he tells Ryan that Kris and Gokey were so good tonight that it’s an honor to be among them. He should win American Mensch.

The boy has acting skills, that’s for sure.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Results Night: The Night The Music Jumped Up and Down and Clapped Its Chubby Little Hands

The suspense is killing me. Will Adam be Shock Boot of the Century? Will Gokey be sort-of shock boot because he’s never been B3? Will Kris go, upsetting me because Gokey will still be there? Will Paula shock us by wearing a tasteful ensemble? Will Kara say something sensible and brief? Will Ryan’s tie be a color not on the grayscale? And what about Naomi?

The show opens with yet another lame movie shill by Ben Stiller, with the cast of the next rehash of “Night at the Museum.” They tell us the AI judges’desk will be donated to the Smithsonian. Better yet, put Stiller into retirement, as he hasn’t been funny in over a decade.

And give the man a sandwich. So gaunt. Not natural. Hey, I love Hank Azaria, so it was a moment for me.

Ryan pretends to laugh at Stiller’s sodden wit and tells us that more than 88 million votes came in. Just one million separate the top 2. I blame hanging chads.

Alicia Keys comes out in a large sweatshirt to discuss more charity stuff.

I had to take sewing class in the 7^th grade and Mrs. Silverstein would never have allowed that hem.

She smiles while talking about saving wee kids from dying of HIV. Then one of the still-living  kids comes out to sing. It’s kind of pitchy, dawg, but everyone acts like he’s Adam because he’s a cute little guy and probably lives in a thatched hut. He does dance a lot better than Gokey.

Then Ryan calls forth said Gokey. We see his hometown visit. I wonder how he decided on which glasses to wear.  From his limo, he declares how in 10 months, he’s gone from “tragedy to triumph.” Try to remember, son, the dead wife’s still tragic. He meets up with his pal Jamar, who also tried out for AI, but had no loss to capitalize on, so he had to go back to Milwaukee, a tragedy in itself.

I think the hat is the reason they sent Jamar home.

Where was Danny’s copious family? Conspic by abs. 

The mayor tells Gokey to scream all he wants. Wise advice, as it got him to final 3.

And it wasn’t very nice of the radio station to wish Danny gone.

Then, after we see a girl in pink madras pants chase after him screaming wildly as his limo drives away—I bet he owes her money—Gokey gets sent to the couch, because, of course, that’s how they roll.

Kris comes out next. Stobey’s, his favorite restaurant in Conway, AK, gave him free cheese dip for life. I would submit that that’s as good as winning this thing. In his footage, he gets mauled by girls young and cougarish alike, sings for an adoring throng, and gets a day named for him. I wonder what the rules are for those. What if you do something to un-earn yours afterwards? He heads to his house and hugs his blubbering dad. His parents are nothing to look at; it’s like Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head got married and birthed a Ken doll.

Kris joins Der Gokel on der sofer.

Kris' adoring/hysterical fans are just too cute for words.

Simon Park?!?! Shenanigans!

Jordin Sparks performs her new single “Battlefield,” accompanied by the One Republic guy. Boring! Why does songwriting consist of repeating a single word over and over? And “performing” means dry ice, stomping and sneering.  Her dress is too tight in the mid-section, but congrats to JoSpar for being shapely.  

I guess she’s trying to dispel all the “She’s only 16!!!” crap she got saddled with. But why does she want to look like she's auditioning for The Exorcist?

Adam Time. In San Diego, he does the news and puts eyeliner on an anchor woman, visits the kids at his old theater, performs for crowds at his high school and at an air force base. A girl rips off her top and storms the stage, surely an attempt to recruit him for the other side. Nu, we should all enjoy.

Now Katy Perry must perform. She’s wearing a satin cape that has “Adam Lambert” stitched on it! Not only is she beyond ridiculous as a “singer,” but that seems terribly unfair and people might be resentful and take it out on Adam. Also, does she have a thyroid condition, with those popeyes? And there is serious butt cleavage hanging out of her rhinestone-studded, Elvis-collared leotard. Are people really that impressed with all this showboating? Perhaps the answer can be found in the fact that I am asking that from my living room while she appears on the most-watched show on television.

She almost made me wish we could have Lady Gaga back again.

Finally, the moment we’ve been waiting for.

The first final person is...Kris!

I dance with the dog. Unless the other one is not Adam, in which booooooo! I glare at the dog. The dog is confused. He still wants a treat, though, always with the treats. The Kradam hug is many times more sincere than the Gokey-Adam or the Allen-Gokey hug.

World's fakest smile.

World's most genuinely shocked expression combined with fake smile.

Joyful as I felt for Kris, my heart was lead in my chest. Lead, I tell you! Is Adam in jeopardy? I’ll take “Agita” for 2,000, Alex.

Yeeeees!! It’s Adam!!!

There is a God, or a lot of gay-loving voters. Clapping madly in the audience, Brodam is hot. It’s like Ken and Barbie got married and gave birth to a couple of G.I. Joes (the 60’s ones with the sexy scars on their cheeks).

Joy and jubilation ring throughout the land. Or in my house anyway.

Kara is seen mouthing an astonished “Oh, my God” as Gokey is announced as the goner.

After he oozes all over with his singout, Simon tells us that next week, with such immensely talented guys going to the mat, it will be “a big ding-dong.” The Brits are so sophisticated.

Mmmmm...Ding Dongs.

Oh and prophetic, or what?

Big thank you to nyet for her crystal-clear screencaps of Adam family rejoicing.